


Impulse V - Competition Part 1

by JoansGlove



Series: Just Joan [6]
Category: Wentworth (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-01
Updated: 2019-06-08
Packaged: 2020-04-05 23:14:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,529
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19050454
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JoansGlove/pseuds/JoansGlove
Summary: Wherein realisation dawns on Joan and Lee has to make a decision.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> With much thanks to dear DirtyDuchess for her guidance
> 
> And to Ifitbelove - this is what you could have won if you hadn't mentioned your naughty interest in Vera and Franky ;-P

Once again, she’d been unable to leave work on time and Joan was feeling testy. As usual, there was some problem that had demanded her attention before she could sign off – this time it happened to be a dead prisoner. Mason had been having problems with the women; veering sharply between listless depression and belligerent aggression, there was no doubt that she was mentally unbalanced but she refused to be assessed. And the women had little time for what they viewed as attention-seeking behaviour; having delivered several ‘educational’ beatings in the past, they were currently giving her the silent treatment. Despite increased security around her, the girl had managed to slit her wrists after lights out, hiding the damage beneath her blankets until the rising sun revealed the dark red pool beneath her bunk. By then it had been too late to save her and it had been up to Joan to arrange the meat wagon and file the Death in Custody report – run of the mill stuff but annoyingly time consuming nonetheless. At least now, Joan had thought grimly, Mason was out of pain; freed from her wretched excuse of a life – even if it did look bad on the statistics. 

 

She was in the shower, rinsing out the last ropes of shampoo when a loud hammering sounded from the front door. Another volley of knocks rang out and pain flared as she banged her toes on the lip of the shower tray in her haste to step onto the mat. Hurriedly towelling the worst of the water from her hair, she frowned as whoever it was applied their knuckles to wood for the third time. “I’m coming!” she shouted, struggling into her robe. Fuck! Why was nothing ever simple? she cursed as the fine cotton stuck to her wet skin, and she tugged angrily at it as she limped down the hallway. Damn it! She was going to be late for her brunch date – this had better not be Jehovah’s Witnesses, she though irritably and reached for the latch.

 

A small frown of enquiry crossed Joan’s face as she opened the door and was met by sea green eyes smiling at her from under a drooping auburn quiff, and then she felt the familiar thrilling tremor of attraction run through her and her face was split by a wide grin. “You should be in the police,” she joked, “you could raise the dead with that knock!”

“Or a debt collector!” Lee laughed and her shining eyes played over the smiling woman in front of her. “I’ve come for me money Missus,” she said in a deep voice, eyes returning to Joan’s. “Where is it?” Heavy thunder from the imminent storm rumbled across the sky adding a tinge of melodramatic menace to her gruff words.

“Oh, b-but I can’t pay,” stuttered Joan, her eyes widening in sudden consternation. “My husband ran off with the butcher’s wife and took all our money! Please don’t turn me out,” she begged.  Wet hair clung her face and neck. It gleamed like polished jet in the pewter light as Lee pushed the door wide and filled the frame with her angular height, her eyes falling to Joan's hand as it nervously clutched the collar of her damp robe closed over her heaving chest. “Well, looks like I’ll have to take my payment in kind, don’t it?” she chuckled evilly and stepped inside. Joan retreated and her eyes widened further as Lee kicked the door shut and advanced on her.

 

She kissed her then, one hand cradling the back of her head, the other sliding around the ivory of her throat, and a weakness crept over Joan. Lee smelled of faded cologne and leather and of grease and hot metal; her mouth was redolent with coffee and cigarettes; and Joan surrendered herself to her lover’s greeting with a soft moan. “What are you doing here?” she murmured into Lee’s collar as hot lips slid down her neck, “I thought we were meeting at the café…?”

“I don’t feel like going out. I thought we could raid the fridge instead.” She was reluctant to tell Joan about the spill she’d taken last night – right now there were far more important matters to attend to…

“If you like.”

Long arms wrapped themselves around her neck and Lee shuddered as fingernails scraped across her scalp. “I like.”

 

She shoved Joan against the wall, her large hands skimming over hard nipples on their way to the curve of her hips, and she kissed her again. Hard. Joan's firm body rippled against her and Lee’s skin flushed in fiery response, prickling and burning as her clit jumped against the leather of her harness. Fuck, she wanted this woman so much it hurt! Soft flesh filled her hands and she dragged Joan's hips into hers, grinding slowly against her eager thrusts as her cunt grew hot and tight and wet.

Her hands found the pulsing velvet of Joan's throat again before roaming across the wet, wrinkled cotton, plastered to hot skin by the slow, softly scented drip of water from her heavy hair. With a tug, Joan's robe fell open and, stepping away, Lee peeled it back, sighing in awed reverence at her gloriously naked form. She truly was a vision and Lee felt her lips slacken in wonder as something akin to devotion fluttered in her soul. Quickly, she unhitched the satchel slung across her chest and with a heavy thud dropped it to the floor, then planting a knee between Joan's open thighs she leaned in and kissed her with brutal force, denting Joan's swollen lips with her passion. The lapels of her denim were gripped tightly and Joan pulled her closer still, her leg curling around Lee’s strong thigh as her hands snaked around her back and held her tightly. She winced as Joan crushed her sore ribs but the sharp discomfort was overridden by her need to possess this woman.

 

A dark, seductive sweetness flooded through Joan making her senses sing, and she let out a sigh of longing as worn denim scraped against her bare skin; the unforgiving hardness of the wall behind her, the heavy humidity being pushed before the might of the storm mixed with the heat of Lee’s supple body – it all went to heightening her desire for this unorthodox creature, and she felt herself drowning in the oceanic depths of Lee’s eyes. Thunder shook the air and she hissed in delight as deft fingers furrowed through her damp fur and teased the line of her slit, silvery peals of pleasure rippling through her frame as the rumbling receded. Her thrumming clit pulsed and jerked as her pubic hair was lightly ruffled, and it throbbed harder as fingertips tantalisingly mapped the swollen curve of her sex, her excitement growing evermore insistent as Lee denied her what she needed - gods, it was the sweetest torture and she never wanted it to stop! She was so wet, so hard, so ready.

 

Releasing Lee, Joan's hands wove their way above her head as she luxuriated in the lascivious torment. She shuddered as Lee’s teeth found the soft skin of her throat and began to nip and tug, and a groan vibrated deep in her chest as Lee’s hard palm and fingers cupped her and squeezed. She groaned even louder as a long finger pressed itself lightly against the sticky divide, tormenting her with the tiniest, lightest strokes; Lee’s maddening touch inflamed her senses, made her quiver, made her ache for more.

 

“Come with me,” she whispered hoarsely and, taking Lee by the hand, Joan backed along the hallway, ignoring the door that led to her bed, ignoring the lounge and the large, deep sofa, instead, pulling her into the kitchen. She yanked the chairs out of the way and leaned back on the broad plank table, spreading her thighs as she drew Lee between them. Lee kissed her mercilessly then, dragging the damp robe from her shoulders, covering her tits with urgent hands – and Joan burned.

Knowing exactly what she needed, Joan made short work of unzipping Lee and she deftly released her warm cock and, pushing the blunt tip hard against her needy cunt, she swallowed it in one effortless, breath-taking stroke. Fuck, it was incredible! Colours flashed behind her eyes and she rushed with blinding, breathless, indescribable sensation, curling around Lee as her body responded with deep, blissful tremors that made her whimper and mewl with their sheer beauty.

 

The clean, steely light had dulled to a sickly gold hue as the dark clouds massed in the lowering sky and, for a frozen platinum moment, a flicker of lightning licked across everything in a warning of what was to come. Then thunder shook the air around them, bass vibration sinking deep into their bones, and Lee began to move. Bright, shimmering waves billowed through her soul and for a moment, Joan wasn’t of this earth. The explosions in her mind were echoed by ringing detonations as the first portentous drops of rain hit the tin roof like bullets, their erratic beat quickly replaced by the staccato drum of the downpour, each crash of thunder bringing more until the roof and gutters sang under the deluge. Freshening air found its way through the louvred windows, pushing the faint scent of wet stone and washed leaves through the house, its cool fingers winding around the lovers as their flame grew ever hotter.

 

Like a drowning woman, Joan clung to Lee, long arms wrapping around her angular body as her lips dragged feverishly over her lover’s. It felt as if she were shining, she could feel her skin pulsing with an inner light as she buzzed with sheer physical sensation; Lee’s lazy rhythm was devastating – with torturous slowness and a wicked smile she withdrew until the head of her cock barely rested inside Joan and then, with a sharp upwards thrust, she filled her, stretching her to her limits, holding the pressure for long, blinding seconds before easing out to do it all again. Push, rush. Pull, lull. Push, rush. Pull, lull. Push, rush. Pull, lull. Push, rush. Push, rush. Push, push, _push…_ Ohhhh ffuckkk, it felt so good and Joan sagged mindlessly in Lee’s arms as she abandoned herself to the whirling riptide of sex racing through her body.

 

Laying her on her back, Lee silenced Joan’s gasps with a searing kiss; fingers pushing through her damp mane as she cradled Joan’s head in her large, brawny hands and filled her mouth with hot, forceful tongue. Her muscles cried out sharply as Joan’s bare feet pushed her jeans from her hips before she locked her long legs around her lower back, and she winced – but what was a little pain when in the service of a goddess like Joan? From the moment she’d seen her she’d know that she was fated to worship this singular woman and there was no sacrifice she wouldn’t make to maintain her devotion. Straightening up, she ran her hands the length of Joan's legs, clasping her fine ankles as she pushed her knees into her chest, and she gazed down at their union.

Lee gave a groan that came from her very soul. Joan's cunt was truly beautiful. Her swollen lips clung to the gleaming shaft of her cock as she drove it steadily in and out, and Lee shuddered as a renewed throbbing bit strong and deep beneath her harness. Yanking the belt from Joan’s robe, she wound it around her fists and flexed it over her lover’s slender throat, grinning dangerously as dark eyes widened with ravenous anticipation.

 

“Oh, god! Yesss!” Joan muttered in delight; rolling her head from side to side in pleasure she gripped Lee between her bare legs and thrust back against her cock. The narrow pressure on her windpipe made her ears ache - but that just made it feel all the better - and she caressed the taut muscles in Lee’s strong arms, reaching up to stroke her face in loving gratitude before letting her fingers float back down to the cotton sash. The touch of Lee against her skin was a bright, burning tingle, the hot intrusion of her cock like the touch of a goddess, the scrubbed grain of the table beneath her a raft on the sea of delirium. The joyful darkness that Lee brought to their lovemaking took her to places long neglected. How she loved being forced to fight for breath. She loved the dangerous way it had of heightening her senses, she loved the feelings of helplessness, of powerlessness, of inhabiting the liminal space between existence and the void. In touching death, she embraced life. In relinquishing control, she drew strength. But the catalyst was trust – without that there was nothing – and from the minute she’d met Lee, Joan had trusted her; had trusted her enough to be seduced into handcuffed helplessness within three hours of first shaking her hand.

 

Quicksilver flared and stuttered again and thunder rent the air, its heavy sub-sonic rumble washing over them as the hammering rain intensified and filled the kitchen with oppressive noise. Lee kissed her and added just a little extra pressure, making Joan's flushed face darken further; her chest heaving as precious air whistled in her throat. Nails scraped at Lee’s jacket as Joan's movements became more laboured, and she gazed into the face of the woman she loved, mesmerised by the intensity of Joan’s ecstasy. Then she felt Joan's hands slide between their bodies, fingers seeking first nipples then clit, and Joan began to rock; face twisted in ecstatic agony, throat straining against the ligature as ragged gasps and cracked whimpers welled from her open mouth.

 

Words were unnecessary – Lee knew just what Joan was feeling, and with slow, deliberate thrusts she stroked Joan's insides, ignoring her own need as Joan grew increasingly incoherent beneath her until, with a fractured sob, she convulsed, muscular body twisting, heaving, straining then collapsing as she came with a strangled hiss. Kissing her deeply, Lee relaxed her fingers and let the cord slacken, allowing Joan a moment’s respite before filling her hot, wet mouth once more and starving her of oxygen in different way.

 

Then, with a whisper, the sash was gone and Lee kissed the tender band of skin, her soft mouth soothing reddened flesh as she rubbed the cotton belt over Joan's open lips; and straightening up, she stuffed it into Joan’s mouth and sealed it shut with her hard palm as she fucked her hard and fast, loving how the way Joan writhed and moaned ramped up her own desire. A wet thumb on Joan's clit caused a muffled shriek and Lee ground the hard little peak until Joan was coming once more, thrashing helplessly beneath her as the tumult of the storm crashed all around them.

 

She gazed hotly into Joan's dazed and dreamy eyes, succumbing to a pull stronger and more irresistible than gravity and, like a magician with a string of flags, Lee drew the gag from Joan's mouth, draping the damp sash around her own neck before pulling the boneless woman close and kissing her wetly as her harsh panting subsided into murmurs of love and affection. A delightful little aftershock made Joan shudder and Lee groaned as her clit was jostled beneath the confines of her harness. Taking this as her cue, Joan pushed herself upright, gripping Lee’s narrow hips between her legs and shoving them both away from the table. Jeans still bunched around her thighs, Lee staggered backwards into one of the wooden chairs and sat heavily as Joan straddled her and began to ride her like her life depended on it, freeing her body of the flimsy robe and pulling Lee’s face into her heaving breasts as the chair teetered dangerously on two feet.

 

Deafening now, the rain lashed down and thunder enveloped them as it raced to beat the lightning, the cacophony cocooning them in their desperate embrace.

 

The smooth, scooped seat kissed Lee’s cunt as she rocked her hips, the urgent pressure against her sticky lips building to a deep, gnawing ache as her clit was pummelled by Joan's frantic thrusts. And her T-shirt offered no resistance as the thin cotton was torn open and Joan grabbed her breasts, cruelly crushing them into her chest as her palms scrubbed hard nipples. Joan muffled her groan of pleasure with a ravenous kiss, her damp hair cascading around her face, cool, fragrant strands tickling Lee’s cheeks as her mouth moved fiercely against hers, and Lee had the sense of unravelling – of fraying – her disintegrating edges bleeding into Joan's as she clasped her in a bear hug, heavy hands gripping her curves and they melted together in a symphony of red-hot desire.       

 

As Lee’s strong fingers slowly slipped down the ladder of her spine to cradle her arse, Joan hooked her fingers through the thick rings in Lee’s nipples and leaned back, hips thrusting upwards as she locked eyes with her lover, her blazing black stare boring into Lee like an obsidian laser as she rode her cock hard and fast, watching as Lee began to lose it; then with a sultry smile of untold promise, she slid off the cock and onto her knees. Her suddenly empty cunt twitched in complaint but it wasn’t about her right now, this was for Lee – she wanted to make her feel as good as she did. Lee panted above her as, forcing her way between her damp thighs, Joan slid the thick dildo between her breasts and, nipples singing as fingertips skated over their hard tips, pushed them together, encasing the slippery length in soft, white flesh as Lee thrust urgently into the tight furrow. Jaw clenched, tousled hair falling into narrowed eyes, Lee gazed down at her with such a burning intensity that Joan felt lightheaded; it was a face she dreamed about, a face that she wanted to grow old with, a face that she never wanted to forget…

 

When her delicate skin began to chafe, Joan released her breasts and she pushed her fingers effortlessly into Lee’s sodden cunt, lowering her mouth to the cum-smeared dildo as she felt her lover clench around her curling fingers with a deep, drawn out groan of pleasure. Lee’s firm hand slid to the back of her neck as Joan's quick, pink tongue slid around the smooth head, exerting pressure as she took the tip into her mouth but Joan shrugged it off – a small shake of her head warning her not to try it again – and she sucked noisily, her head bobbing up and down as she traced the contours of Lee’s swollen clit with her thumb.

 

Lee’s scent was intense as her cunt fluttered in her hand. Yanking on Lee’s jutting nipples, Joan licked her way down the cock, delivering a lingering kiss to her wet and swollen sex before working her way up Lee’s long body, ruby lips dragging across hot silicone, leather and flesh as her mouth sought its quarry.  Grabbing a handful of soft tit, she bit deep into the satiny flesh as she pumped her fingers ever harder into Lee’s hot, slippery channel, working her g-spot and rubbing her clit until Lee’s fingers tangled in her hair and her head was yanked back as Lee arched from the chair. The whole house trembled as a mighty clap of thunder exploded, the deafening bass crushing them as Lee thrashed and sobbed, long muscles straining as she came in shuddering waves.

 

Long arms snaked beneath her jacket as she sprawled shaking in her chair and Lee winced as Joan hugged her tightly. “I’m Ok,” she told Joan as sudden worry wrinkled her brow.

Joan, who could spot a lie at twenty paces, wasn’t convinced and she frowned. “No, tell me. What’s happened to you?” She had sudden visions of her being bashed by drunken thugs, and she pulled Lee forwards and pushed the jacket off her shoulders, yanking away her ruined t-shirt as she inspected her torso. Livid purple and magenta bruises bloomed around a line of friction burns that ran from her left shoulder down to her hip and disappeared into her jeans, and a sick heat flashed across Joan’s skin as fear exploded in her guts. “Fuck, Lee,” she exclaimed in horror, “look at the state of you!”

“I came off on the way home last night. It’s nothing serious, but,” she shrugged dismissively as Joan stared anxiously. “Can’t say the same for my bike, though.”

 

Lee’s injuries suddenly brought home the sick, panic inducing fact that she could lose her at any time and the thought chilled Joan to the core. “Nothing serious??” she demanded angrily, fear sharpening her words before she could catch herself. “Just look at you,” she said more softly, and traced the edge of a raw-looking scrape. “That bike’s a death-trap.”

Lee laughed and pulled her into her lap. “Nah, I’m going to live forever,” she declared, staring defiantly up at Joan, “Just you watch.” She gave a smile that melted Joan's stern expression, and kissed her shoulder in reassurance. “I’ll be fine,” she said and pulled Joan tight. She couldn’t see the competing emotions playing across Joan's face as she nestled into her neck.

Half-joking, half-serious Joan whispered into her ear, “You’d better, or there’ll be trouble!”

Lee chuckled. “Oh, and why’s that?” she asked and tilted her head back to look at Joan.

Cupping Lee’s face, Joan lowered her mouth to hers and stared intently into her eyes. “Because I love you, that’s why,” she stated and kissed her woman. Lee squeezed her tightly and suppressed another moan of pain as damaged skin and battered muscles flared hot and bright. “Right, that’s it,” announced Joan briskly as if her declaration of love was an everyday occurrence, “I’m going to run you a bath and then you're going to take it easy. I won’t have any argument from you, my girl,” she scolded as Lee started to protest. “Do as you're told. Doctor’s orders.” Slipping from Lee’s lap, she padded into the hall and in short order, Lee heard the sound of running water.


	2. Chapter 2

Joan was soon back in the kitchen and making tea, her dark eyes returning time and again to Lee who had limped out to the damp veranda for a smoke. The smell of wet greenery mingled with the heavy sweetness of tobacco crept into the house and she was reminded a little of Maggie. But Lee was no substitute for Maggie, she wasn’t a stop-gap or a replacement; she was precious to her in her own right.

 

Lee turned and smiled as Joan kissed her cheek and presented her with a steaming mug. “Here,” she said dropping a selection of pain killers into Lee’s palm. “These should take the edge off,” and with another kiss, she disappeared to supervise the bath. Lee’s heart swelled and she felt a silly smile plaster itself across her face as she watched Joan retreat, and she lit a second cigarette, grinning happily as she watched a bird flit wetly from bush to bush. She’d hardly dared to believe her ears. Joan loved her! Fair dinkum loved her! Joan was everything to her; she needed Joan in her life more than she needed oxygen. Joan understood her, encouraged her; she wasn’t interested in trying to change her into something more acceptable. She’d never met anyone like her before; Joan navigated the world with an intoxicating assurance and self-belief that charmed Lee beyond words. She loved how fiercely intelligent she was, how wickedly funny (and sarcastic) she could be when the mood took her; she adored Joan's thoughtfulness, and her passion for the things she cared about and her curt dismissal of frivolous dross. But what she loved most was the feeling of belonging she got when they were together, as if Fate had designed them to fit together seamlessly.

Before Joan she’d been drifting, playing the part of lover to countless women but never knowing what it meant to be _in_ love, to want to be a better person. Now she did, and it was scary.

 

It had been almost three months since Joan had said that she _nearly_ loved her, and she’d thought that that was as good as it was ever going to get given Joan's history. At first, she’d really thought that that would be enough, but the uncertainty of ‘nearly’ was an uncomfortable thing; sometimes she’d catch a strange look in Joan's eyes (as if she were weighing up her options) and a streak of fear would chill her blood, afraid that Joan was thinking of ending it all. It had been a long time coming but she knew that Joan's declaration was true and that she would treasure it until her dying day.

 

At Joan's summoning she hobbled into the bathroom and stood like a child as Joan unbuckled her boots and eased her jeans and harness down for her, and she climbed stiffly into the steaming bath holding onto Joan's hand for balance. “Faaack!!!” she hissed as hot salt water hit her raw skin, and she gingerly submerged herself, eyes smarting with tears as pain seared down one side.

Joan sympathised deeply; almost twenty-five years had passed since her father had beaten her with a training foil and she could recall with perfect clarity the agony of that first shower afterwards. “Oh, my poor baby,” she crooned and slipped a rolled-up towel behind Lee’s neck, hair trailing in the water as she leaned in to kiss her tenderly. “You’ll feel better soon,” she promised and then she was gone, robe fluttering behind her as she turned and blew a kiss before vanishing into the hallway.

 

Yawning widely, Joan brewed herself espresso in the hope of staving off some of her fatigue. Now that the storm was abating the air had turned chill and she draped Lee’s jacket around her shoulders before stepping outside with her coffee to enjoy the rain-washed morning. Pulling Lee’s jacket tighter, she pressed her nose to the worn denim and breathed in the odour of her lover. Her lover in every sense of the word…

With Maggie their love had been so natural that she hadn’t given it a second thought. Maggie had shown her how it was to love unconditionally. They were more than soulmates, beyond devotion, and she knew that she would never - could never - stop loving her, and that she would always have Maggie’s love to protect her. And what they had together meant that they could open their hearts to others too, safe in the knowledge that they were unshakeable.

 

It had been different with Jianna; she hadn’t wanted anybody else, and (to her later shame) even Maggie paled as she became gripped by the intensity of her feelings. The shy, gentle child had generated an almost motherly instinct in her, but that tender affection had quickly changed to one of craving as her desire whipped up a firestorm of love so desperate that she was afraid to voice it lest it burnt them both up. There had been so many things that she wanted to tell her, things that could only be said when they were both safely away from the prison. They were going to start afresh, all three of them, and their love would have known no bounds. But it wasn’t meant to be. And after Jianna had… After _it_ had happened, she’d nearly lost her mind. It had taken a long time for the pain to become manageable.

 

And then she’d met Lee; and from the very start they’d had a connection – a meeting of minds and bodies that couldn’t be denied. This daring young woman was unconventional and enthralling, her fearless joy for life was infectious and she inspired a wonderful boldness in Joan that had been missing for many a year, but that hadn’t meant that she ever wanted to fall in love with her – or indeed, expected to. But it had happened and now, whenever they were apart, she found herself missing the easy intimacy that existed between them. Yet the shadow of Jianna’s ghost had been with her so long that she’d almost been scared to accept how she felt about Lee; she’d held back from allowing herself to take that final step of admitting it, but seeing Lee hurt like that… The panic she’d felt… It had been the jolt she needed to realise that her feelings were the real deal.

 

It was strange, she reflected, how she could experience the same emotion so differently depending on the woman she loved; and she wondered if it was like that for everyone else too. She took a sip and grimaced; the coffee had grown cold but in the spirit of ‘waste not, want not’ she drained her cup with a shiver and slipped back inside, shedding her jacket and robe as she headed for the bathroom.

 

Lee was feeling pleasantly fuzzy. Those pills were the real deal, she thought absently as she watched Joan shower; there was something hypnotic about the way she soaped her elegant body, and Lee sank happily into an erotic trance. A soft sigh escaped her lips as her hand crept between her thighs and she lazily circled her clit as Joan turned under the water.

She watched transfixed as Joan emerged from the shower, towelled herself dry and sashayed pinkly out of the bathroom. Every day she thanked the fates that she had Joan in her life. A woman who’d experienced pain and loss, she asked for nothing except honesty, loyalty and acceptance (oh, and punctuality – Lee grinned mischievously to herself – mustn’t forget that), and in return she gave as much of herself as she could, and Lee knew that what they had was something so special and unique that she would never experience the like again.

 

*****

 

Finding herself with some unexpected free time Joan dressed in over-sized silk pyjamas and slipped into her study, curling up in the large armchair to write a letter to Maggie. She had a deep respect for the ritual of correspondence. Email was more efficient but it lacked _feeling,_ there was something deeply personal about the way the ink flowed from the heart to the page without revision. Uncapping her favourite fountain pen, she began.

 

_My Dearest Ritochka_

_Can you feel how badly I’ve been missing you, my love? I’m counting the days until I get to see you again. It’s been too long, Maggie, too long since I kissed you, too long since I held you. Too long since I felt your touch. This holiday can’t come soon enough, and then it’ll be just us – together like always._

 

Laying down her pen, Joan yawned hard and glanced at the clock, still only 10:30 she thought wearily. She was dog tired; she’d worked ten days straight, the last four of them night shifts, and she’d been pushing herself hard with a rigorous training régime in preparation for tomorrow’s Regional round robin event. Her mind turned to her large, comfortable bed, heavy lids flickering shut at the mere thought of melting onto the mattress and, with an effort, she forced them wide open and scrubbed her face with her palm - if she allowed herself to succumb to exhaustion and crawl under the covers to sleep as long as she could (as she so desperately wanted) then she’d be wide awake all night and no good for tomorrow. She would allow herself two hours of oblivion at lunchtime and then force herself to wake up and function for the rest of the day until her proper bedtime. Giving herself a little shake, Joan turned her attention once more to her letter.

 

_I have news about Lee. I told her today that I love her. I know that you think I should have done it some time ago but it just hasn’t seemed right. But it does now. And I’m sorry that I ever doubted you!_

 

Wrapped in the robe bought especially for her, Lee wandered along the hallway and finding all of the other rooms empty she drifted towards the study where the door stood ajar. She was curious to see inside Joan's inner sanctum (the door had always been shut in the past and it was rude to stickybeak) and with a respectful warning knock, she pushed open the door and poked her head inside. She wasn’t expecting to be greeted by the quick frown of displeasure – as if she’d caught Joan doing something she shouldn’t be – and she froze as Joan closed the notepad in her lap and stared at her expectantly.

 

Try as she might, Joan couldn’t help the irrational flare of indignation at the invasion of her nest, this room of intensely personal memories. But her stomach lurched as a look of wounded confusion clouded Lee’s face, and she reminded herself that she hadn’t forbidden Lee from coming in here but, by the same token, nor had she opened the door and invited her to look around as she had done with all the other rooms when she’d given Lee ‘the tour’ – instead she’d just named it and moved Lee along. With a wry twist of her lips, she shut her eyes and gave a little snort of self-derision for being so stuffy, “I’m sorry, you caught me off guard.” She offered a sheepish smile of apology and beckoned Lee inside. “Welcome,” she said warmly as Lee slid around the door with a smile of her own. “Feeling better?” she asked as the battered biker limped over.

 

“Yeah, tons. Sleepy from those tablets but.” Lowering herself into the black leather office chair, Lee’s eyes settled on a large framed black and white photograph hanging above Joan's tidy desk. In it, Joan and two older women were caught in the act of laughing at something off camera, and the closeness between them was heart-warming. One of them was clearly related to her – there was no mistaking the family resemblance – and the other was a striking dyke, short haired and strong featured, and as butch as you like. Joan had made sure that she knew about Maggie – what she did, where she lived, how they’d got together and how their relationship worked – yet so far, she’d neglected to show her a picture of the woman whose surname she’d taken; but without a shadow of a doubt, Lee knew that there was only one person that this could be – Maggie.

 

“That was our five-year anniversary party,” said Joan following Lee’s gaze.” Maggie's dad was teaching us all a delightfully uncouth rugby song. Do you know the Engineer’s song at all?” Lee shook her head foggily. “Well, it is rather, ah, ‘niche’ shall we say. That’s my grandmother on the right. You two would have got on like a house on fire.”

“You look so different! How old were you?” This younger version of Joan barely looked old enough to be drinking – put a couple of Hello Kitty clips in her hair and she’d have passed for a Year 12 student.

“Just shy of 26.”

“And how old was Maggie?”

“38.”

“So, about the same ages as us now, eh?”

“Mm, I suppose so, yes. There’s definitely something to be said for an age gap isn’t there, hm?” replied Joan teasingly and Lee chuckled in agreement.

 

“Have you got a more recent photo of her?”

Joan smiled at her thoughtfully. “Sizing up your opposition, are you?”

“No, well, maybe a little bit,” admitted Lee with a guilty grin. She watched as Joan crossed to a bookcase and lifted down a glossy colour portrait.

“Our fifteen-year anniversary,” Joan explained, perching on the edge of her desk as she held it out for inspection. Lee took it wordlessly and gazed at the two of them in each other’s arms beneath a stone arch. It could have been taken yesterday. She had a sudden, chilling premonition that she and Joan would never last that long and jealousy stabbed coldly at her heart, its icy hand creeping up to grip at her throat. “So, she’s your one and only,” she said tightly, setting the frame down and lifting her face to Joan’s. “The rest of us mere mortals just come and go…”

“Some of them, yes, but not you, Lee, not now.”

 

She stared down into Lee’s suddenly tense face, confused by the unexpected change in her demeanour. “What’s the matter?” she asked softly, reaching out and tenderly brushing a strand of hair from Lee’s forehead, “I told you all about Maggie.”

“Yeah, I know,” Lee replied. “But knowing something is one thing, but actually seeing the proof of it, well, it’s a bit of a jolt, you know?” Lee realised weakly that she really hadn’t understood when Joan had explained about her unorthodox relationship with this mythical Maggie, and she knew that she could read it in her face. She gazed earnestly into Joan’s eyes, willing her to understand how she felt.

 

“But we’ve been through all this, Lee. You said that you were OK with it.” She paused and tilted her head as a thought came to her. “Is this to do with me visiting her next month?” Lee dipped her eyes and Joan reached for her hand, sliding closer as they linked thumbs. “Look, I haven’t kept anything from you – and you could have seen a photo of her at any time... You said that there was no problem.” She’d taken Lee at her word, assuming that she was no stranger to an open relationship. Yet Maggie had warned her that this might happen; that Lee’s ready acceptance of her as an abstract concept could falter when reality started to bite. And things were getting seriously real now. They had said The Words and they meant them. And if she were to lose Lee now for the sake of a few unasked questions at the start…

Lee sensed the disappointment behind Joan's concern and her heart sank at the thought. “Yeah. I know,” she repeated quietly and stared at their hands.

 

“Look, I’ve loved her for so long that I’m not sure I know how to do anything else. When we are apart we live our lives according to our needs, yet she’s always in my thoughts and we always know that part of us belongs to the other,” Joan broke off and gazed at the photo then into Lee’s drowsy eyes. “And when we are together it’s as if we’ve never been separated, our feelings are as strong as ever.”

“ _Why_ do you live apart then, if you love each other as much as that?” 

Joan sighed tiredly and began to trace the lines of Lee’s palm. “Because of me. I told you – no matter how much I care about someone, eventually there always comes a point I where I start to feel stifled. It doesn’t mean that my love is fading, it’s just that something inside me starts to… I don’t know how to explain it exactly, it’s like part of me starts to wither. I become less of who I am and that makes me sad – angry, even – but with _myself_ ,” she stressed, dark eyes wide and earnest, “Not them. But,” she paused and glanced at the photograph once more, “Living this kind of life means that sometimes when I need Maggie the most, she can’t be there for me.”

“…And you go out searching for a replacement,” Lee finished for her and winced at the sudden look of icy shock on Joan's face, she felt queasy as she filled with instant remorse. “I’m sorry,” she pleaded, taking Joan's hands in hers and squeezing (as much to reassure herself as Joan). “I didn’t mean that. You know I didn’t.”

“I know,” came the gentle reply.

 

“I can’t believe that it doesn’t it hurt to part like that, though. How on earth do you handle the pain when you love someone so much? And to do it over and over again, I don’t know if I could… It’s a wonder it hasn’t driven you mad!”

“It would drive me madder if I didn’t, Lee. It’s a form of self-preservation – for both of us. Sometimes Maggie can tell that it’s coming before I even start to feel it. She’s the one who made me see the sense in physically distancing ourselves. Sometimes I just need to move to a different part of the city, sometimes another state. But it’s not as if we don’t talk, don’t write. And being apart makes it all the more sweeter when we reunite.”

“And you’ll leave me too, without me having any say in it.” Joan looked at her with a sorrowful resoluteness, and Lee almost wished that she hadn’t opened her mouth.

“Yes, look, I thought we’d covered this. You might say I’m selfish, but I’ll have to for my own sanity. I’m sorry, Lee, but I wasn’t exaggerating.” She could see now that in the rush of infatuation, Lee had been too eager to agree, not fully comprehending that how she lived her life with Maggie would also come to be the life she lived with her too; she should have taken more care to explain, she realised. “Look, I know it’s hard to get your head around, but if you can accept that about me, then I _will_ come back to you. But if you can’t then I understand. I don’t expect you to put your life on hold for me, and equally, I don’t want you thinking that every day could be our last. It’s up to you, my love.”

 

 “Have you ever loved anyone else as much as you do Maggie?” she asked at length. “Maybe even loved them more? What do you do if that happens?”

“Apart from you there’s only been one other woman, I fell for her so hard but she… She died.”

“Jianna.”

“Yes, Jianna.”

“But what happens when you have to choose, Joan, what then? Will you always choose Maggie?”

“I can’t answer that, Lee. I would like to think that there wouldn’t have to be a choice, that we could make the three of us work.”

“But if we can’t? What then?”

 

Joan took a deep breath and inspected the tangle of hands in her lap. She’d been wrestling with this thorny question for some time. How could you give someone all of your love, _take_ all of their love, and still tell them that you would ultimately reject them if they couldn’t fit in?  She sincerely wished that it would never come to that but she had to face facts. She sighed loudly through her nose and looked Lee squarely in the eye.

“In that case, then hypothetically yes. A much as I don’t want to say it, I suppose it would have to be Maggie.” She could feel tears pricking as Lee absorbed her answer, and she blinked hard at the ceiling. The struggle going on in those green eyes prompted her to consider ending it all right now. Cause a little short-term pain to save a lot in the future…

Swallowing her emotions, Joan squared her shoulders and offered Lee her ‘out’. “Look, Lee, I know it’s not what you want to hear right now but it’s vital that we’re honest with each other. It’s important to me that you don’t come into this with some notion of winning me away from her. So, if you're having second thoughts then you need to tell me now and we can renegotiate.”

 

Panic surged through Lee. Nothing was forever and no-one could promise that it was – Fate would play its hand no matter how you stacked the deck. If she closed the door on this then she may as well cut out her heart and feed it to the crows. She was experienced enough to know that you can’t lay claim to someone, no matter how important they are to you, and she had enough self-respect to refuse second best. But Joan wasn’t offering second-best – she was offering all she had to give in the only way she knew how. And life was too precarious not to grab for your share of happiness.

 “I don’t want to renegotiate,” she said hoarsely. “All I can say is please be patient with me?” She stood up with a wobble and gratefully accepted Joan's supportive arms. “So, Maggie's in here…” Lee pressed her palm over Joan's heart, feeling the steady beat through her warm flesh.

“More like here,” replied Joan quietly and touched Lee’s fingers to her temple. “And here,” she said, sliding Lee’s hand to her solar plexus. “She always has been.”

“And what about me, where do I sit?”

“I feel you here,” Joan placed Lee’s hand around her throat, “And here,” she murmured, guiding unresisting fingers to the centre of her chest, and she kissed Lee softly on the lips. “…And here.” With a steady gaze she pushed Lee’s other hand between her thighs and pressed it firmly against her cunt. “You won’t lose me. As long as you let me love you, I will.”  


End file.
